Stressed

I think I'm stressed. I think I'm getting stressed. I think I was stressed. I think there's too many "big" decisions to be made. I think I'm over-ambitious but also "over-lazy". I think I'm getting paranoid and short-tempered. I think I'm turning psychotic.

I feel really disgruntled. I feel dissatisfied. I feel fat. I feel lousy. Deep down, it's quite a record high of minuses. Somehow, I know I'm the main contributor to all this (as in I allow it to happen).

Dun get me wrong. There's nothin wrong with getting married. But i guess it takes more than I 'think' it does, and more than i wished it did. It probably ain't as complicated as it seems. but I dun think i can "take it as it comes". I need to "see it coming". Anticipate. I need to be prepared. I dun like (too many) surprises. Cuz one new thing is a surprise. Two new things, still quite surprising. But the more it comes, your surprise will turn to annoyance, then shock, then plain numbed.

 

I wished I could point out exact things that are silently eating me up inside...but i dun think i can. But I do know one thing. I think I'm inherently a selfish human being. I still wanna hang on to a lot of 'my own things', esp my time. And I have this very lousy sense of discipline/estimation. It's like...while i wanna do something, sometimes i regret thereafter for some weird unknown reason. it makes me feel i didn't wanna put 100% into it in the first place!

 

And that's the last thing that should happen in a marriage right?

 

But i'm not referring to my decision to get hitched....but more so of referring to all the little things here and there that I need to give up or lines i need to draw and etc. It's not easy. And really, no one ever said it would be easy i guess.

 

I dun consider this to be pre-marriage jitters, but more so of just being abit sian of having to put all my time into one thing (wedding preparations). I am not one who likes that. Relating to my school days, i never liked to do any ONE thing ALL the time. I cannot just study. I need ECA, play, TV, piano, etc. I get bored easily.

 

Oh well, I'm learning and I guess that's a good thing. Perhaps it really isn't as complexed as my tender, puny brain makes it to be. We'll see. God will lead the way if only I learn to trust HIm more.
(cross-posted in Livejournal).

 

*weak smile*